Help arrives in pairs.
Request two missionaries and they will bike over. They will be wearing helmets, they will be happy to see you, and there is no charge. When the work is done they will ask whether you would like to hear a short message. Most people say no thanks. That is fine.
Companionships available until 9:00 PM tonightWhat needs doing?
Select a task and a companionship will be assigned from the district serving your area. No request is too small. Several have been too large, and those were handled by the whole zone.
Free labor in three steps
There is no app. There has never been an app. There is a form, a district, and two bicycles.
Place a request
Tell us what needs doing, where, and when. Requests are routed to the district serving your area and discussed at tonight's companionship planning session. Sunday requests are held until Monday, which is P-day, so realistically Tuesday.
Two missionaries arrive
They come in pairs. Always. Helmets, black name tags, and expressions of genuine enthusiasm. One of them will do most of the talking. The other one has already found the heavy end.
The work gets done
They will not stop until it is finished or until 9:00 PM, whichever comes first. They will thank you for the opportunity. You will feel a little strange about this. That is normal, and it passes.
Service request
Please complete all fields. Requests received after 9:00 PM are reviewed at 6:30 AM, which is when the missionaries are up anyway.
No request yet
Submit a request and two people who wake up at 6:30 AM on purpose will be assigned to your couch. They will be delighted. It is unsettling.
Currently serving in your district
Four companionships, eight missionaries, rated by the people whose couches they have moved. Transfers occur every six weeks, at which point everyone below may be four hours away.
- Specialty
- Couches and stairwells
- Companion
- Elder Sorensen
- Months in
- 14
Has moved eleven couches and one waterbed. Does not talk about the waterbed.
- Specialty
- Flat-pack assembly
- Companion
- Elder Christensen
- Months in
- 8
Reads every instruction step aloud, all of them. Has never once had a leftover screw.
- Specialty
- Technology support
- Companion
- Sister Hale
- Months in
- 10
Has fixed the same ward member's printer eleven times and believes the twelfth will hold. Will laminate the index card if you have a laminator.
- Specialty
- Yard work and porches
- Companion
- Sister Nakamura
- Months in
- 12
Grew up on a farm and will not let you hold the rake. Will remember your grandchildren's names.
- Specialty
- Pianos
- Companion
- Elder Bagley
- Months in
- 19
Zone leader. Four uprights and one grand. Asks kindly that you not help; it is faster when you do not help. Has not been swimming in nineteen months and is at peace with it.
- Specialty
- Fence painting
- Companion
- Elder Tuiaki
- Months in
- 2
Arrived at the last transfer. Has painted three fences without a drop on the sidewalk, which the district considers remarkable.
- Specialty
- Anything involving a ladder
- Companion
- Sister Reyes
- Months in
- 16
Will hold the ladder or be on the ladder; she does not mind which. Speaks gently to nervous dogs.
- Specialty
- General lifting and listening
- Companion
- Sister Ochoa
- Months in
- 2
Still learning the area by bicycle. Has more energy than the rest of the district combined.
Meanwhile, in the ward kitchen
A reply to the original post described this scene a little differently. Elder Sorensen is measuring. Elder Sorensen is always measuring.
From the people whose couches were moved
"They carried the piano up two flights and then asked if there was anything else. I said no. They asked again. I found something."
Deborah R., Bountiful"I said no thanks to the message and they said 'totally fine' and went right back to weeding. I have never felt so respected in my own yard."
Todd H., Sacramento"I ordered two to assemble a bookshelf. They finished in 22 minutes, then asked if the neighbors needed anything. The neighbors did. They are still over there."
Marcus T., Provo"They fixed my mother's printer and wrote the steps on an index card. She has framed the card. The printer still works."
Devon A., Boise"Both of them were transferred the week after they painted our fence. The new pair came by, unprompted, to check on the fence. It is a good fence."
The Larkin family, Spokane"Tried to tip. Was told it is not permitted. Tried cash. Same. Left cash in the bike basket. It was returned by a zone leader the following day with a very kind note."
Kevin D., DraperFrequently asked questions
Is any of this real?
The website is a parody. The labor is real. Full-time missionaries genuinely volunteer service hours and genuinely will help you move a couch. This form assigns imaginary people to your real couch; in practice you ask a member you know, or you mention it to the two people who knocked on your door last Tuesday. They will remember you. They remember everyone.
Is this really free?
Yes. Missionaries live on a small monthly stipend that covers groceries, bus fare, and the occasional haircut. It does not depend on your couch. They are not permitted to accept payment and will become visibly uncomfortable if you try. Water is welcome. A plate of something is welcome. Cash will be politely returned.
Why two?
Missionaries serve in companionships of two and are asked to remain together at all times. This is a matter of policy and, in the case of couches, also a matter of physics.
Can I request a specific missionary?
You may request by name, but please note that transfers occur every six weeks and the missionary you had in mind may now be four hours away. The new missionaries will be equally glad to help and will already know about your gate, because it is written in the area book.
Will they try to convert me?
They will ask once, at the end, whether you would like to hear a short message. If you say no thanks, they will say that is fine, and it will be. Many requesters report that the missionaries seemed genuinely pleased to simply move the couch.
What hours are they available?
Missionaries are up at 6:30 AM and home by 9:00 PM. Monday is preparation day, reserved for laundry, groceries, and emailing home. Monday requests are honored after the laundry, or sooner if the task can be completed at a laundromat.
How long will they stay?
Until the job is finished or 9:00 PM, whichever comes first. They must be home by curfew. They will not mention this. Around 8:40 you will notice one of them check a watch and both of them begin moving faster.
Can they help with the pool?
Missionaries do not swim while serving. Please do not request tasks that involve entering the pool. Skimming from the edge is acceptable, and they will do it thoroughly.
Can I feed them?
Yes, and you may be surprised how much. Please note they may already have a dinner appointment with a ward family at 6:00 PM and will need to leave in time to bike there. The Relief Society may also bring a casserole. This is not something we control.
Are they really cooking crack?
No. That is baking soda, and those are rock candy crystals for the ward talent show. The funeral potatoes are in the oven: frozen hash browns, cream of chicken soup, sour cream, a truly irresponsible amount of cheddar, and cornflakes on top. Nobody has asked further questions and nobody will.
What is $MM?
A memecoin that does not exist, named after a post that does. If anyone sends you a contract address for $MM, that person is lying and possibly not even a Mormon.
Is this making fun of Mormons?
It is making fun of memecoins, delivery apps, and the internet's discovery that two people barely out of high school will bike across town and cheerfully move your couch for nothing, which is the most wholesome thing on the internet. We also know they would rather be called members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That is what it says on the name tag. It does not fit on a ticker.